MY INFERTILE MIND

Today, you’re getting a real “blog post”. Not one where I talk about music, or books, or movies, or whatever else. No, today I talk about me. That’s what bloggers mostly do, don’t they? One could argue it’s what I always do, seeing as I speak of things I appreciate, but this here is different.

Maybe I just need to rant a little. Get some stuff out of my mind just so I can think about other (more practical) things. And no, this won’t be something where I bare my soul and cry over my life.

I may have written it, don’t really believe my mind is infertile. Not all the time, anyway. It’s kind of a catchy title, ain’t it?

I have many ideas, I just don’t always have the energy to write them. Sometimes I have the energy, but not the brain power. And you know what? It really sucks because there’s NOTHING I can do about it!

My whole life, work has been my salvation. Someone who doesn’t know me or has never worked with me might be surprised to know I’ve always had workaholic tendencies. And having to stop working some years ago (about 4 now, I think) has been quite hard, as it would probably be for anyone having to go through this.

It’s probably the reason I go the extra mile on those days I feel well enough. Something I shouldn’t do because it means the next days will probably be hard again.

What can I say? I can’t help it! Work has always been quite important to me. Not only for the monetary aspect (although it certainly helped) but for the feeling of accomplishment I’d get from it. Work was always where I felt the most useful and the most confident.

Calling a “stranger” (client, supplier, whatever), as long as it was work related, has never been much of a problem. At times, I would have to brace myself for it at times, but I still did what needed to be done. And I usually didn’t sound like a total moron.

Having to call anyone I don’t know for ME? Like handling bills and stuff? Whole other story. Most of the time, I’ll procrastinate until the day (or moment) I feel confident enough to do it. And even then, I’ll probably be stricken with a bad case of verbal diarrhea (the confused kind).

Why am I telling you all of this? Frankly, I’m not even sure anymore. All I know is that I wanted to write something to publish this Wednesday – which is, as I write this, tomorrow. And if I have something “big” planned for you next week, I’ve been dealing with a sea of nothingness for the past weeks. I mean, I didn’t post anything last week…

I wanted to publish a short story I’ve been working on. It’s been sitting in its folder for a long while, now, and although I still like the idea, whenever I try to sit down and work on it, my will just… deflates. My mind wanders. I zone out. So it’s not finished. Not even close from it.

It’s as if I have too much to do already, when in fact I don’t have much going on. I mean, I did find someone to edit my novel, the one I had once put out there for all to read. It’s been taken down now, especially now that I changed the ending. Not that it’s been read all that much anyway. If I want to try and find someone to publish it, it can’t be “out there” to read, you know?

Anyway, that’s a bit of progress right there. This, and I wrote the first draft of my novel’s synopsis (and it’s awful, gotta do better), and I’ll have to try and write the best query letter in the whole wide world. Hah!

Which brings me to how I clearly can’t do this on my own, the self-promo aspect of things. I need help, which is why I want to try and find myself a literary agent (thus the query letter). And, well… that’s not an easy process, not according to the Interwebs anyway. Again, having to address people I don’t know and ASK for them to consider me? It’s kind of a nightmare, I won’t lie.

At least it won’t have to be over the phone. *shudders*

Then there’s that other story, the one that’s between 1/3 and 1/2 written already. I want to finish it, I just am kind of stuck right now. And then there’s that trilogy I’ve had in mind for a while. Actually, one of the books (which would be the middle one) has been written for a long time now. It’s in French and pretty bad, but it was the first full-length novel I ever wrote. So of course, it won’t be good!

Basically, I need to write it again, this time in English. What I did work on was the timeline and backstory of the books, the lore if you will. Also, the family tree of the characters, and notes about who they are and what they do. I mean… that alone could almost make an interesting book. Almost!

So yeah… even though they’re not all written, I do have about 5 books I KNOW I want to write. Then, there are other ideas, some that could be novels and some could be short stories. Too many possibilities.

That’s what plaguing my mind 24/7: Story ideas, and the desire to write them, even though I can’t bring myself to do it more often than not. I’ve been contemplating to take my laptop out to a cafe if only to experience a slight change of scenery. Thought I’d be doing this today, actually.

The will to do this left my body not long after having the idea to do it. Right now, I may be sitting at my desk in my office, the couch is calling out to me for some quality time. You know, putting on a DVD and zoning out while it plays, my dog sleeping under the blanket next to me.

In my defence, it’s gray, and it’s raining, and… yeah, that’s about it. Maybe I’ll change my mind later. It’s not like I have plans or anything.

• • • • •

Now, we’re the next day (publishing day), and I DID respond to the couch calling out to me. A bit later, I had an anxiety attack, can’t say why. Don’t think I did anything for that intense guilt to take residence in the pits of my stomach. Unsurprisingly, once that feeling eased, my whole left side started to thrum and hurt.

Seems it was just some kind of light sensory thing due to MS, something I suspected. Should be used to it by now, I guess. Aches are still there this morning, but at least I don’t feel “guilty about nothing”. Much! Although, it might not be a real feeling, but rather a sensory experience rather than true guilt. Like… my insides kind of hurt, mimicking a “guilt” sensation.

I don’t know, all right? This stupid illness is confusing as hell!

I can hear you from here: What’s the deal with all the gifs? I like them, all right? It’s either that or I give you a big wall of text with nothing else to catch your attention. I mean, it’s somewhat entertaining, right?

I should end this whole bunch of nonsense right here. Right now, I’m pretty much entertaining myself. There’s a big fat chance you have stopped reading anyway. If not, well, I can PROMISE next week’s post will be much more interesting. To some extent, I hope.

I mean… it’ll be entertaining to ME, this much I know! I’ve brushed the subject many times before (and no, it’s not Coheed And Cambria), but next week we go DEEP into something else that is very dear to my heart!!!

So, I hope this little thing today was somewhat entertaining. As far as the novel and search for a literary agent go, I promise to tell you what happens. I mean, I’ll need people to buy my book if it ever gets published, right? 

In the meantime, please take care of yourself. If you like what I do, don’t hesitate to subscribe, or leave a comment. Don’t worry if your comment doesn’t appear right away, I get so much spam that I HAVE to approve them before they go up. (Spammers REALLY love my blog!) 

That’s all, folks! See you again next Wednesday.


P.S.: If you need a clue about next week’s post, then let me just say this one thing: Fall has come and TV shows are starting up again. Any idea yet what I’ll be talking about? If you know me just a little bit, you probably know.

And no, it won’t be about The Good Place (even though I love it).

Partagez moi! / Share Me!

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